Top 5 Pink Hat Fans: NBA Basketball

Mark Cuban, a hardcore Pink Hatter

UrbanDictionary.com defines a "Pink Hat Fan" as follows:

An overzealous, bandwagoner typically female fan of a recently successful local pro sports franchise. Characterized by the brand spanking new officially licensed pink team hat. Typically spends majority of game chatting on cell phone, waving to tv camera, asking idiotic questions & being a stupid annoying nuisance in general. Most commonly found at Fenway Park & Foxboro Stadium.

...

The pink hatter is so named because their team apparel purchases are unconventional in color, and are merely chosen in an attempt to call attention to themselves and their amplified hipster factor. Pink hatters can be found in the ballpark taking the seat of a more interested and less casual fan that was unable to get a ticket.

However, here at PHN, we honor all Pink Hat fans regardless of gender or locale. So in this spirit, and since the NBA Finals are upon us, PHN presents the top 5 Pink Hat fans of the NBA:

5) Dallas Mavericks

Since Mark Cuban bought this franchise in 2000, many disturbing changes have taken place. From day one the guy has been sitting behind the Mavericks bench, screaming like a madman at refs, players and coaches. His dubious attempts at marketing have included alternate away jerseys designed by P. Diddy and of course that stupid TV shows where "celebrities" do salsa to Miami Sound Machine or some shit. Maverick fans in general seem to be of the "Trust us, we're relvelant. Seriously!" variety, and en masse have eschewed the old green and blue of the 70's-90's for Mr. Cuban's more modern look. But what puts Mavs fans on this list is Mr. Cuban himself. From the obnoxiously victorious to the petulantly defeated, Mark Cuban is the "Mr. Emo" of Pink Hatters, and quite possibly the single greatest Pink Hat fan of all time.

4) San Antonio Spurs

Spurs fans do Chuck Norris Facts parodies even worse than they do Mexican food.

Lakers coach Phil Jackson said it perfectly: San Anotnio is a bunch of old, retired tourists. They eat overpriced margaritas and bad Tex-Mex food by that stupid river and incessantly talk about the "Spurs Dynasty" (ESPN's Skip Bayliss). In reality, the actual TEAM of San Antonio is much more annoying than it's actual fans. Tim Duncan cries after every foul call, and Bruce Bowen's fouling tactics have been dubbed the "Edward Scissorhands" strategy. So if you are a semi-annoying fan that supports the most annoying team of all time, then guess what, you make this list. Spurs fans, if you are having post-playoff withdrawals, that lame pre-game mariachi band is now performing at On The Border during happy hour. Try the mojiotos, they're amazing.

3) Utah Jazz

Jazz fans have a Capri-Sun fueled rage like no other.

Let's see, where to begin. No booze sold during the games. When refs make a bad call, instead of chanting "bullshit" they chant the more Mormon appropriate "Ref You Suck!" During the playoffs the fans wear all baby blue to "intimidate" the opponent. Like Kobe will roll into the arena and be like "Oh snap, it's 35,000 members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, we're done!!" This year Jazz Fans took it to another level by booing every single call that didn't go their way, and hurling objects at the Lakers bench shortly before being eliminated from post-season play. And just the idea of sporting gear that says "Utah Jazz," just think about that for a minute. I've never been to the Salt Lake Jazz-fest (if there is one), but my guess is that Wynton Marcellus and T.S. Monk are not involved. And once again, minus points to Jazz fans for switching from the old New Orleans-style musical note logo to the "updated" Jazz look, which really has nothing to do with jazz or the state of Utah.

2) Boston Celtics

Under their shirts are actually pink Tom Brady and David Ortiz jerseys. Haahd-core.

Atlanta Hawks guard Mike Bibby was probably right when he said that most of the people showing up to Celtics games in 2008 were nowhere to be found last year, despite their claims of being "diehards." While there are many hardcore Celtics fans, there are also a great number Garden attendees that are there merely because the Red Sox are on the road in a city they don't feel like traveling to that day. They view Celtics games as a good place to drink Sam Adams, wear a Garnett jersey, annoyingly talk on their cell phones and do the infamous standing slut dance to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" or "Paradise City." Male Pink Hatters prefer the profanity-laced tirade to opponents coming out of the tunnel, and getting all pumped up when anything by House of Pain or Flogging Molly starts playing over the PA. And unlike Utah fans, C's Pink Hatters have no qualms about using the phrase "bullshit." If the refs make a bad call, cover the virgin ears of your little ones. Finally, NBA fans can brace themselves for 3 straight hours of the tired "BEAT LA!" chant during Boston home games.

1) Los Angeles Lakers

Banderas and Diaz, at a Laker game laughing about getting paid obscene scrilla for dog poop movies.

First off, let me say I've been rooting for the Lakers this year and love Kobe, but Pink Hat Laker fans are so far out there it's not even funny. And again, we preface this by saying there are many diehard Laker fans through the years (we back you, Jack!), but watching these games and going to them, I am amazed by some of the people at Staples. While Celtics fans may be more overtly obnoxious, no single team in the NBA attracts bandwagon fans like the Lakers. Just look at the people sitting in the front row at these games, it's like their whole life is one big audition for a part on "Entourage." And the celebrities are just brutal. Look, there's Cameron Diaz! Well thanks for making the most retarded movie ever with Ass-ton Butcher and taking up the seat of a REAL basketball fan! Hey, behind the bench, it's Jack Black wearing $400 sunglasses eating a hot dog! And the "Kobe! Kobe! MVP! MVP!" and "We Want Taco's/Cholupas" chant obsessions are growing to sick proportions as well. The new style pink Lakers jersey with Kobe #24 (instead of his old #8), is probably one of the worst pieces of Pink Hat merchandise on the planet. Congratulations Laker fans, you have managed to take the most douchy elements of Los Angeles, and brought them together to form the ultimate NBA Pink Hat experience. Bravo!