'Roid Watch 2007

By far the best thing to come out of this scandal:

'Roid Watch 2007 - A Reaction

Eh is about all I can muster. Nothing really shocking about the Mitchell Report names (in fact the “fake” reports surfacing just hours before the real list were much more interesting). The truly evil woman within is really happy to see Kevin Brown’s name on the list (that what you get for whoring yourself to the Dodgers, asshole) and I’m happy so few Padres made the list, but otherwise, this story is pretty disappointing.

Lets see how many baseball & syringe pics we can post today.

'Roid Watch 2007 - The Mitchell Report List (Vol. II)

OK, looks like I missed a few names. (Sorry, but I am supposed to be doing my actual job here). Here is a full list.

'Roid Watch 2007 - The Mitchell Report List

OK, after skimming the report, here is the "list," as far as I can tell. They're listed under the source by which Mitchell found them.

BALCO
Barry Bonds
Marvin Bernard
Bobby Estalella
Jason Giambi
Armondo Rios
Benito Santiago
Gary Sheffield
Jeremy Giambi
Randy Velarde

Kirk Radomski, former Mets Trainer
Larry BigbieChad Allen
Lenny Dykstra
David Segui
Brian Roberts
Jack Cust
Tim Laker
Josias Manzanillo
Todd Hundley
Mark Carreon
Hal Morris
Matt Franco
Rondell White
Roger Clemens
Andy Pettitte
Chuck Knoblauch
Jason Grimsley
Gregg Zaun
David Justice
F.P. Santangelo
Glenallen Hill
Mo Vaughn
Denny Neagle
Ron Villone
Ryan Franklin
Chris Donnels
Todd Williams
Phil Hiatt
Todd Pratt
Kevin Young
Mike Lansing
Cody Mckay
Kent Mercker
Adam Piatt
Miguel Tejada
Jason Christiansen
Mike Stanton
Stephen Randolph
Jerry Hairston, Jr
Paul Lo Duca
Adam Riggs
Bart Miadich
Fernando Vina
Kevin Brown
Eric Gagne
Mike Bell
Matt Herges
Gary Bennett, Jr
Jim Parque
Brendan Donnelly
Jeff Williams
Howie Clark
Exavier “Nook” Logan
Daniel Naulty

Other
Ken Caminiti
Mark McGwire
Rafael Palmeiro
Jose Canseco

Mitchell Report Update: Tigers used illegal Nooks

Damn Xavier "Nook" Logan, DAMN. You have the best name in baeball, and you soil it with the use of performance enhancing drugs. But we all should have known. The high socks. The behemoth 6'2", 180 pound frame. Even go back and look at the stats. In 2004 as a rookie, Logan hit zero home runs. Then, in 2005, he went yard an ungodly one time. That shit is more than double. In fact, if you multiple zero times a million, you still get zero. I know, it's a trip, but they teach it in colleges all accross the country. Anyways, good thing they replaced him in center field with Curtis Granderson. His 20+ home run power makes him Nook Logan on steroids, I mean, fuck, brain freeze.

And damn you, Padres. Jack Cust was on roids, and you kept him in the minors for two years, then traded him to the A's where he hit 26 homers last year! If there's one rule to running a baseball team, it's knowing who in your organization is roided, and putting them in the lineup EVERY FREAKING DAY as they did with Caminiti, Mike Cameron and, apparently, Wally Joyner.

"Hey Wally, want a Squirt from the vending machine?"

"Na man, I'm Mormon, we don't drink caffine. Do any of you guys remember if I used the right cheek or left last week?"

That's it for now, but let's all remember that the owners and commissioner are just as much to blame. And say this five time really fast: Rocker Redneck Roid Rage

'Roid Watch 2007

The biggest names in the Mitchell Report appear to be Clemens, Pettite, Tejada, Sheffield, the Giambi brothers and (obviously) Bonds. A few smaller but significant names are Kevin Brown, Paul Lo Duca, Benito Santiago, Eric Gagne and Mo Vaughn. Ken Caminiti, Rafael Palmiero, Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire - they're all mentioned, but we already knew that.

So far, I don't see any bombshells. All of these guys had been suspected before. No Pujols, Jeter, Rodriquez, Guerrero or anything like that.

This report has lead me and my co-workers to design a new game. I'll call it Steroid Search. Since the report doesn't have a basic list, you go to the top of the report PDF, press Ctrl F on your keyword, and type your favorite player's name into the "Find" box. Click "next," and see if his name comes up. For you Padres fans, you can give yourself and your friends a mild heart attack by searching "Gwynn." (Tony is in there, but don't worry, its only quoting him on how bad steroids are).

For the record, Nomar is not in there, and Vaughn appears to have used steroids after leaving the Red Sox. Not too many Sox names in there, which might get Mitchell (who works for the team) in some trouble.

'Roid Watch 2007

Mitchell's press conference is live on TV, CNN.com and ESPN.com. You can read the whole report here. The report does not appear to include a list, but names are sprinkled througout. Clemens is in there.

Mitchell said all 30 MLB clubs are effected.

'Roid Watch 2007

Former Sen. George Mitchell is going to unveil his much-toted report on steroids in baseball today at 11 am PST. Rumors are already circulating that Roger Clemens is named. Really? Its not normal for pitchers to get better when they hit 40? Huh.

Stay tuned here for breaking news* and expert** analysis*** as the names and teams come tumbling out.

* Things that have just been reported on other sites
** Dave, Lora and Me
*** Bad jokes