No Time for Calls of Perfection (yet)

Watch out, Tom

It's important, in times like these, to keep one's head.

When your football team goes unbeaten in the regular season and your quarterback and wide reciever both break two of the games most hallowed records (on the same play!) it's important not to get caught up in talk of perfection. After all, nothing is perfect. For example, if the Patriots lose in the playoffs, everyone will forget how good they were and just call them choke artists. Far from perfect

An even better example: apparently Tom Brady didn't like "No Country for Old Men." Throw all the touchdown passes and flash all the swoon inducing smiles you want sir, but no one who doesn't appreciate the virtuosity of that film can ever be called perfect.

Great arm, great eyes, poor taste in cinema.

Is it Baseball Season Yet?

I must confess...the only sport I really watch and love is baseball. Things get a bit boring for me in the winter when it's not on. At least I have meetings and signings and reports to get me through.

On the Padres front, Kevin Towers is (like always) gunning for pitchers (instead of, oh I dunno, players who can hit over .250? I know, I know. It's just too crazy!) and K . Tow likes his pitchers like he likes his whores: old and cheap. So we signed Randy Wolf and Mark Prior...both coming off serious surgeries, both over 25 and both rumored to be "done." If these guys come out and pitch to their potential, the Padres would be pretty effing unbeatable (with Peavy, Young and Maddox rounding out the rotation. Oh how I love those three). However, if they pitch like they had major surgery in the past two years (which they both did), expect to see some AAA call ups to cover their asses. I mean, pitchers win baseball games in San Diego. We couldn't possibly try and win by hitting the ball well. That would just be too ridiculous.

Oh no! Someone put Mad-Dog's arm on backwards. Now we are really f*cked!

Post Xmas Youtube fun

If you have not seen the "2 girls 1 cup" video, please don't, unless you want to have this reaction:



Hope everyone had a great x-mas. Here is your Inspriational Sports Quote of the Day-

“A lot of people understand what not saying anything means, so, in effect, not saying anything is really saying a lot.”

Hall of Fame center and NBA analyist Bill Walton

Oh the Weddle outside is frightful...

And the Siler's so delightful...

And since the Denver Donkeys blow...


Let it Cro, Let it Cro, Let it Cro...

(Thanks to BoltHype for posting this sweet Cromartie highlight mix)

The day is finally here, Happy Chist-kwannza-kah!

LT doing the right thing for x-mas. Go Bolts!

Classic Youtube: Jordan era Bulls intro

This is probably the sweetest thing to be played on any jumbotron in the history of mankind. Makes you realize how far the NBA has fallen, no game or player today comes close to matching the excitement and intensity that hearing this music gave basketball fans. Please enjoy the Chicago Bulls intro, to the tune of "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project.

Linkology 101

Can we PLEASE call it the Gay Bowl next year?

-Bowl Season begins tonight as Navy plays Utah in the Poinsettia Bowl at the Murph. The Betting Fool likes Navy on the money line, and also has some things to say about ESPN's reaction to the Mitchell Report. [SFGate.com]

-The Padres avoid arbitration with Micahel Barrett, and sign him (in addition to his bad attitude and noodle-arm) to a one-year $3.5 million contract. [SignonSanDiego.com]

-The Hoosiers are bowling again, and the Cal Hippies face the Air Force Fly Boys in the Armed Forces Bowl. Awkward! Your Best and Worst of the Bowls preview. [Rumors and Rants]

-Wes Welker has no need for the sunshine and beaches of Miami, because apparently Boston is the place to party in the winter. Dude must be relieved about not getting an invite to the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Oh snap! [Construda]

-Looks like "Slick Rick" Neuheisel is the frontrunner for UCLA's head coaching job. Who doesn't love a good betting scandal? [LA Times]

Happy Thursday!

Tony Romo dates tramps and other eternal truths of the Universe

Tony Romo headed for supper on the ranch with Ira and Barry.

After watching the NFL slowly degenerate over the last 15 years into a league of soft/incompetent quarterbacks, instant reply on EVERY single close play and defensive backs who are allowed more contact with the Pope than receivers, what took place last week pretty much felt like rock bottom to me and a lot of other NFL fans.

Before getting into specifics, let me point out one thing: Joe Buck is a fucking idiot, and should actually change his name to Joe Fuck.

Last Sunday's Cowboys game was a milestone in NFL history. However, understanding what took place involves comprehending a complex mathematical equation with multiple variables. But we here at PHN are more than happy to dumb it down an color code it for ya'll.

First, you have the asshole above, Joe Fuck, who's value will be labeled "FUCK," since that's what everyone says when they hear he is announcing a game that they plan to watch.

Next is Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, and we will simply assign him his initials "TR."

Third we have TR's erstwhile concubine Miss Jessica Simpson, aka "3 D's" for obvious reasons.

What happens next is complicated, so grabbing a hot cup of Yerba Mate might help:

1) Tony Romo (TR) decides to start dating Jessica Simpson (3 D's).
2) Joe Fuck assigned to call Cowboys/Eagles game for Fox. TR is playing in this game, and 3 D's is watching from the luxury box.
3) FUCK tells us how manly and legendary TR is, then obviously analy fondles himself (A) over 3 D's and her pink Cowboys jersey:



Ergo, the sum of said events is as follows-

Jessica Simpson (3 D's) + Joe Buck (FUCK) + Tony Romo (TR) + Anal self-fondling (A)

You can carry the (D's) and the (A), since a variable in any equation with all douchbags is commutative like that.

Therefore, we come to the conlclusion that:

Jessica Simpson + Joe Buck (+ thumb in his own butt) + Tony Romo

=

3 FUCKTARDS

Who would EVER have guessed?

'Roid Watch 2007

By far the best thing to come out of this scandal:

Lynch goes Beast Mode

Apparently the Bills hired a comic book artist to produce this, and have been playing it at Rich Stadium when Marshawn makes a big play. Pretty sweet, thanks to 100% Injury Rate for posting this.

Have a great weekend, and here is your Insprirational Sports Quote of the Day:

"The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood."

-College football coaching legend Lou Holtz

'Roid Watch 2007 - A Reaction

Eh is about all I can muster. Nothing really shocking about the Mitchell Report names (in fact the “fake” reports surfacing just hours before the real list were much more interesting). The truly evil woman within is really happy to see Kevin Brown’s name on the list (that what you get for whoring yourself to the Dodgers, asshole) and I’m happy so few Padres made the list, but otherwise, this story is pretty disappointing.

Lets see how many baseball & syringe pics we can post today.

'Roid Watch 2007 - The Mitchell Report List (Vol. II)

OK, looks like I missed a few names. (Sorry, but I am supposed to be doing my actual job here). Here is a full list.

'Roid Watch 2007 - The Mitchell Report List

OK, after skimming the report, here is the "list," as far as I can tell. They're listed under the source by which Mitchell found them.

BALCO
Barry Bonds
Marvin Bernard
Bobby Estalella
Jason Giambi
Armondo Rios
Benito Santiago
Gary Sheffield
Jeremy Giambi
Randy Velarde

Kirk Radomski, former Mets Trainer
Larry BigbieChad Allen
Lenny Dykstra
David Segui
Brian Roberts
Jack Cust
Tim Laker
Josias Manzanillo
Todd Hundley
Mark Carreon
Hal Morris
Matt Franco
Rondell White
Roger Clemens
Andy Pettitte
Chuck Knoblauch
Jason Grimsley
Gregg Zaun
David Justice
F.P. Santangelo
Glenallen Hill
Mo Vaughn
Denny Neagle
Ron Villone
Ryan Franklin
Chris Donnels
Todd Williams
Phil Hiatt
Todd Pratt
Kevin Young
Mike Lansing
Cody Mckay
Kent Mercker
Adam Piatt
Miguel Tejada
Jason Christiansen
Mike Stanton
Stephen Randolph
Jerry Hairston, Jr
Paul Lo Duca
Adam Riggs
Bart Miadich
Fernando Vina
Kevin Brown
Eric Gagne
Mike Bell
Matt Herges
Gary Bennett, Jr
Jim Parque
Brendan Donnelly
Jeff Williams
Howie Clark
Exavier “Nook” Logan
Daniel Naulty

Other
Ken Caminiti
Mark McGwire
Rafael Palmeiro
Jose Canseco

Mitchell Report Update: Tigers used illegal Nooks

Damn Xavier "Nook" Logan, DAMN. You have the best name in baeball, and you soil it with the use of performance enhancing drugs. But we all should have known. The high socks. The behemoth 6'2", 180 pound frame. Even go back and look at the stats. In 2004 as a rookie, Logan hit zero home runs. Then, in 2005, he went yard an ungodly one time. That shit is more than double. In fact, if you multiple zero times a million, you still get zero. I know, it's a trip, but they teach it in colleges all accross the country. Anyways, good thing they replaced him in center field with Curtis Granderson. His 20+ home run power makes him Nook Logan on steroids, I mean, fuck, brain freeze.

And damn you, Padres. Jack Cust was on roids, and you kept him in the minors for two years, then traded him to the A's where he hit 26 homers last year! If there's one rule to running a baseball team, it's knowing who in your organization is roided, and putting them in the lineup EVERY FREAKING DAY as they did with Caminiti, Mike Cameron and, apparently, Wally Joyner.

"Hey Wally, want a Squirt from the vending machine?"

"Na man, I'm Mormon, we don't drink caffine. Do any of you guys remember if I used the right cheek or left last week?"

That's it for now, but let's all remember that the owners and commissioner are just as much to blame. And say this five time really fast: Rocker Redneck Roid Rage

'Roid Watch 2007

The biggest names in the Mitchell Report appear to be Clemens, Pettite, Tejada, Sheffield, the Giambi brothers and (obviously) Bonds. A few smaller but significant names are Kevin Brown, Paul Lo Duca, Benito Santiago, Eric Gagne and Mo Vaughn. Ken Caminiti, Rafael Palmiero, Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire - they're all mentioned, but we already knew that.

So far, I don't see any bombshells. All of these guys had been suspected before. No Pujols, Jeter, Rodriquez, Guerrero or anything like that.

This report has lead me and my co-workers to design a new game. I'll call it Steroid Search. Since the report doesn't have a basic list, you go to the top of the report PDF, press Ctrl F on your keyword, and type your favorite player's name into the "Find" box. Click "next," and see if his name comes up. For you Padres fans, you can give yourself and your friends a mild heart attack by searching "Gwynn." (Tony is in there, but don't worry, its only quoting him on how bad steroids are).

For the record, Nomar is not in there, and Vaughn appears to have used steroids after leaving the Red Sox. Not too many Sox names in there, which might get Mitchell (who works for the team) in some trouble.

'Roid Watch 2007

Mitchell's press conference is live on TV, CNN.com and ESPN.com. You can read the whole report here. The report does not appear to include a list, but names are sprinkled througout. Clemens is in there.

Mitchell said all 30 MLB clubs are effected.

'Roid Watch 2007

Former Sen. George Mitchell is going to unveil his much-toted report on steroids in baseball today at 11 am PST. Rumors are already circulating that Roger Clemens is named. Really? Its not normal for pitchers to get better when they hit 40? Huh.

Stay tuned here for breaking news* and expert** analysis*** as the names and teams come tumbling out.

* Things that have just been reported on other sites
** Dave, Lora and Me
*** Bad jokes

The Pros and Cons of being Perfect

With the Steelers beaten, some people think the Patriots are a lock to go 16-0 on the regular season. I am not yet one of those people, but in the spirit of speculation, here’s the pros and cons of being 13-0 with only 2 pretty bad teams and 1 above average team left to play (and yes, there are cons).

Pro – No Losses. OK, that sounds like a biggest “duh” ever written, but seriously, you can’t overstate how nice it is to never come into work Monday morning thinking of all the would of, could of should ofs from the day before; or to look at your teams schedule on the Web site and see nothing but Ws. It’s really unbelievable.

Con – The Loss Could Come Later. Do you have any idea how slim the odds are that a team will go 19-0? Neither do I, but I know they’re miniscule. As the team goes further and further along without a loss, it only increases the odds that a loss will come in the playoffs. Going 16-0 and getting bounced in the playoffs would really suck.

Pro – The Attention. The rest of America is sick to death of the Patriots, but as anyone who lives out of their favorite teams market knows, it can be tough to fully keep up with your team. You don’t get to see all the games and don’t always have time to scan the Internet. When your team is losing, this is even harder because the national media isn’t paying attention. When your team is gunning for history, the national media piles it on, and for exiled fans, it’s almost like being home again.

Con – The Attention. Bill Belichick is a master at shielding his players from everything that’s going on around them, but he couldn’t shield them from 3 consecutive night games. The Patriots performances against Philly and B-more proved the schedule took a toll.

Pro – Records Might Get Broken. Aside from 16-0, or even 19-0, the Patriots are on the path to some individual records this year too. Tom Brady could break the single season touchdown pass mark, and Randy Moss could break the touchdown reception record. If the team still has a chance at perfection, Belichick – the ultimate team-over-individual guy – will leave keep putting his starters out even with the playoffs locked up. This will increase their chances of getting those records.

Con – Players Might Get Broken. Regularly, Brady, Moss, Harrison and a few others probably wouldn’t even play the last few games of the year. But if the perfect season is still on the line, they’ll have to.

Pro – A Place in History. The 2007 Patriots have a chance to be recognized as the greatest football team ever and finally wipe that smug look off the ’72 Dolphins’ faces.

Con – The Bigger they Come, the Harder they Fall. Every team is gunning to take down the Pats now, and its only going to get worse in the playoffs. If they lose to the Colts in the AFC Championship, or the Cowboys or Packers in the Super Bowl, their place in history will be as the biggest chokers ever. And that’s no fun at all.

Link-Tastic

Jimmy Kimmel, Sundevils fan and bowl game drunkard.

-After being KO'd in the tenth round by Floyd Mayweather in Vegas, British boxer Ricky "The People's Champ" Hatton will step back down to the light welterweight class. [London Times]

-Steeler's running back Nejeh Davenport poops in hampers, and according to Rich Eisen, plops touchdowns. [AOL Fanhouse]

-Arizona State will face Texas for the first time ever, as they face off at The Murph for this year's Holiday Bowl. Is there a legitimate case for ASU being left out of the BCS? Naaahhhh... [Sun of Sparky]

-In rememberance of epic San Diego choke jobs, watch the finale to SDSU's collapse against Iowa in the '86 Holiday Bowl here. [HolidayBowl.com]

-Padres GM Kevin Towers returned from baseball's winter meetings without a fix for their outfield disaster. Nick Canepa and the rest of the natives are getting restless. [SignonSanDiego]

-Lakers center Andrew Bynum: not a bust after all? [LA Times]

-Late addition: 49ers head coach Mike Nolan continues his bid to be fired at year's end, as QB Alex Smith rips his coach for turning his teammates against him. This is what happens when you mess with Highlanders. [San Jose Mercury News]

Happy Tuesday, and here is your Inspirational Sports Quote of the Day:

"Don't eat fried food, it angries up the blood"

-Former Indians and Negro League pitcher Satchel Paige.

Monday Morning Crotch Shot

Please enjoy this Renaissance Fair guy getting hit in the crotch. Happy Monday!

8-1

Kicked Pepperdine's Jamie Kennedy lovin' ass last night, 68-57. Can't stop the Juggernaut.



BITCH!

Big Cats

OK, so apparently the Angels weren’t as zeroed in on Miguel Cabrera as it appeared. Yesterday the Tigers traded 3 top prospects and 3 eh prospects to the Marlins for Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. This gives them a lineup that includes Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Curtis Granderson, Gary Sheffield and Ivan Rodriguez, and a rotation that features Willis, Justin Verlander and Jeremy Bonderman.

Everyone in the American League is officially not looking forward to playing the Tigers.

(Everyone in the National League, on the other hand, is officially really excited about playing the Marlins).

The Santana Meetings

With the Angels seemingly zeroed in on Miguel Cabrera, the Johan Santana talks are the buzz of the baseball Winter Meetings, going on as we speak in Nashville. As usual, the bidding seems to be between the Red Sox and Yankees right now, but the Twins appear to be standing impressively firm, not giving up their top-shelf guy for gray chip prospects and spare parts. Here’s the Pink Hat Nation breakdown of the situation:

The Target
Johan Alexander Santana Araque, 28-year-old left-hander with two Cy Youngs and a Gold Glove. One year left on a four year, $39.75 million contract.

The Contenders

The Yankees
Their Offer: The Bombers have reportedly offered young phenom pitcher Phil Hughes, outfielder Melky Cabrera and third player, rumoured to be a mid-level prospect. Not a bad deal for the Twins; even though Santana is in his prime and a proven Über-Ace, Cabrera is a tough out and Hughes has looked great in limited starts. The Twins would get back a good young pitcher and add a desperately needed outfielder since Tori Hunter split for Anaheim. Too much for the Yankees to give up? Hard to say.
The Wrench: In an attempt to establish himself as a king pin out of the same mold as his dad, Hank Steinbrenner has begun making lavish and potentially unwise demands. He apparently told the Twins that they must take or leave the Yankees’ offer by today, Dec. 3. The Twins were reportedly not impressed.
Odds it will happen: 40%*

The Red Sox
Their Offer: Seems to change hourly, but most recent reports say the Sox are willing to part with pitcher Jon Lester, outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury and blue chip prospects Jed Lowrie (infielder) and Justin Masterson (Pitcher). Maybe not all four. Maybe. Lester is nowhere near the caliber of Santana and Masterson is unproven, but Ellsbury has proven to be a dynamo. On paper this deal probably favors the Sox. In reality….
The Wrench: ...Red Sox fans have fallen head over heals for Ellsbury and with good cause – he’s one of the more exciting young players I’ve ever seen. The Sox already have a well-stocked rotation that won them a world series. As much as I like Coco Crisp, they have a chance to upgrade at center field. If Santana has a lackluster adjustment year and Ellsbury wins Rookie of the Year for the Twins, Sox brass will have a major headache on their hands.
Odds it will happen: 35%*

The Twins
Their Offer: Rumours are starting that whatever they’re seeing, its not what the Twins want. And Santana apparently isn’t chomping at the bit to leave Minnesota. The Twins could hold on to him and trade him next year, or even possibly scrape together the cash to extend his contract. He’d be worth it.
The Wrench: The Twins probably feel a bit like South America during the Cold War right now: it doesn’t matter who’s the US and who’s the USSR – a tiny team has something two Super Powers want, and the big guys don’t care what they have to do and who they have to screw over to get it.
Odds it will happen: 25%*

* Based on my own guess work, not actual math. I hate math.