Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sorry, Phils

Enjoy it now, lads

Dear Philadelphia Phillies,

Congratulations! As I write this, you are on the cusp of beating the Dodgers to caputre your first National League pennant since 1993. I personally think you're going to do it. (Please don't beat to me to death in an abandoned warehouse if things don't work out).

Unfortunately, your probable victory over Hell-A is where the good news ends. Because you are going to meet the Tampa Bay Rays, and this is going to go badly for you.

The Rays are currently beating the Red Sox 11-2 in game 4 of the ALCS, on their way to taking a 3-1 series lead. Everyone keeps talking about how the Sox overcame a 3-1 deficit in last year's ALCS, but trust me - this series is over. The Sox pitchers couldn't find home plate with a GPS right now, and their batters looks like they're trying to swing telephone poles. The Rays on the other hand, look the frickin' 1927 Yankees. Nope, no comeback this year.

Honestly, around the time the Rays scored their tenth run, a sort of Zen came over me. (This was, admitedly, also around the time I ran out of swear words). But really, all I ever wanted out of the Red Sox my whole life was a World Series win, and they gave me two. And there's always last year. Let the Rays have their fun. I'll be right back there for my Sox the minute pitchers and catchers report next winter. I think other Sox fans will do the same. We're fat and happy right now.

But you, my dear Phillies, are in for a rough road.

Philadelphia fans are like Boston fans without the class.* Have you ever looked into their eyes? They're like wounded animals trying to bite their leg out of a trap. They're full of fear, anger and a hatred of all that's beautiful. This is mostly a result of watching the Eagles every year, but since most Eagles fans are also Phillies fans, the mentality carries over.

If the Phillies lose to the Rays in the World Series - the ten year old, just finished over .500 for the first time Rays - Philadelphia fans just might tear them apart right there on the field of Citizen's Bank Park. I can see it now: The Rays will be in the locker room spraying champagne. Fox reporters will be whooping it up with them, when the camera will cut to the Phillie's dugout for loser reaction. There, a grim faced sideline reporter, her hair caked with blood, will stammer, "They...They just kept coming. They wouldn't stop. Bare teeth...ripping jerseys...the Phanatic! Dear God, the poor, poor Phanatic!"

Since I started this post, the Rays have put up two more runs. They're not only for real, they're merciless. And they're coming for you, Phillies. Don't say you weren't warned.

Yours in pre-expansion preference,


*Before you Philistines fill our comment sections with derogatory braying against Sox fans, please note this is called "a joke."


words words words said...
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words words words said...

I'll admit it. Your description of what would happen if the Rays defeated the Phillies in the World Series is eerily accurate. We'd make the flesh eating zombies in 28 Days Later look like The Wiggles.

But I don't think the outcome of a (potential) Rays/Phils series is that certain. The Rays would certainly be the favorite, and a deserved one. But two things make me think the series is close. First, the Phillies are getting excellent starting pitching in the playoffs (aside from Jamie Moyer, who won't make another start.) The Rays have caught the Sox at the right time...the Sox pitching is not what it usually is. Beckett isn't right, and Lester just got shelled.

Second, there's the Newbie factor. The last two World Series have featured surprise teams that were winners for the first time. The Rockies were as hot as a team could possibly be last year, winning I think 21 of their last 22 games and then sweeping a tiebreaker game (sorry, Red) and both playoff series to get to the World Series. Where they promptly got swept themselves by the Sox. The 2006 Tigers were a prohibitive favorite and lost to the Cardinals, who wound up having the worst record of any World Series champ ever. Didn't we all think the Rockies and Tigers were on the verge of something big? And look at them now. The Phils, while not having postseason success, just had a winning record for the sixth season in a row. I'm not saying this WILL happen, I'm just saying there's evidence that it could.

God, it better.

Red said...

As the resident Rays fan, I hope you are right, Liz.

And www...Kazmir aside, the Rays have some pretty good starting pitching, too. I'm just saying.

Liz said...

You make some good points WWW (and keep in mind 95% of this post was meant to make myself feel better) but I think its also very important that both the '06 Tigers and '07 Rockies had really long layoffs before the WS, because they tore through their respective LCSs. The Phils and Rays are lining up to have the same amount of rest. The Sox aren't quite right now, they've got injuries, but still, the Rays are just eating them alive.

Dave H said...

This World Series is gonna be just like Marlins/Yankees, mark my words.

Except nobody will be surprised when the Phillies loose.

words words words said...

Red: They sure do. But I was just pointing out that Phils pitching won't be the free lunch that the Sox's battered staff has proved to be.

Liz: It SHOULD make you feel better! If Lowell, Papi and Beckett were right, I think the Sox would have won this series. How different would things have been if they got a run home in extras in Game 2 and took a 2-0 lead heading to Fenway?

Dave: You're dead to me. D-E-D dead.

Dave H said...

It's OK Francis, I'll survive.

But it's still not too late to get your Ray Hawk and an Upton jersey...