Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Mommy, does Santa ever Ghost Ride?

"I would like to thank de Elfs for dehr fun-TEST-ic vork. Cully-four-knee-ah haas de best, most experiece Elfes in de world. Go Chah-gah GO!"

Tis the season to be annoyed. Whether you're shopping, travelling, receiving useless gifts or interacting with friends and relatives you have little to no interest in, chances are you will use New Year's to erase the pain of December via binge drinking and possibly casual sex with a stranger.

But the season is all about GIVING, right? So in this spirit of slightly disingenuous charitability, PHN present Part I of your Hot Stove Shopping Guide, 2007. Yes, we know these guys already do the whole "mogul" thing and can buy whatever the hell they want, but if we the fans give to them, they'll give back to us. Right?

George Steinbrenner, aka "The King of Del Boca Vista"

Owns: New York A-Rods

Closely Resembles: That rich uncle who drives an expensive douchbag sports car at the age of 50 and is on his 3rd hot wife. Yet every Christmas you get a card from Save-On with a $25 gift certificate to the Coffee Bean. And you TOLD him Starbucks was right next to your work. He is Scrooge meets Pacman Jones.
Asking Santa for: World Series rings. Not cause he cares about baseball, they just make him look like a bad-ass around the DBV community. Eat it Morty!

What to get: Anything you already have of value that is in it's orginal packaging. Take it to Barnes and Nobles and make the vounteer PTA mom wrap it for free. Fuck this guy.

Ted Turner aka "The ATL-ien"
Owns: Atlanta Braves, Hannah-Barbara cartoons, all forms of matter and energy.
Closely Resembles: The guy in your family that never actually shows up for the holidays because he's busy climbing the Himalyas or saving Darfur. Makes you fell like shit because he's more active at 65 then you've ever been. Your whole family likes him because his main gift is cash.

Asking Santa for: Knowledge of the vast outer reaches of the universe and new life forms. These could be untapped markets for World Championship Wrestling and re-runs of The Nanny.
What to give: CD-ROM with a Powerpoint containing that bad idea for a TV show you've been grinding on for, like, five years. Lesbian Crackhead Zookeepers? Sounds like a hit, get that blond chick from Three's Company on the phone! No, the one AFTER Suzanne Somers!

John Moores, aka Newman from Seinfeld

Owns: San Diego Padres, shady computer companies, hotels/developments that attract douchebags and Texans, Dave Winfield.

Closely Resembles: Guy in the family that EVERYONE knows is next in line for a nervous breakdown. Also sends out the "I own a TON of porn" vibe. Spends more time on his model trains and ship in a bottle building than his baseball team.

Asking Santa for: Love, compassion, a profitable quarter. Supremacy over Frank "Kramer" McCourt in "Risk: A game of world domination played by two men who can barely run their own baseball teams." Carlsbad is NOT weak!

What to give: Collectible shit that weirdos use to replace the need for human interaction. A Time magazine from 1937 or Craig Biggio game-used toenail clipper would do nicely.

Nintendo, aka "Giant Home-Run Happy Fun Ninja Show!"

Owns: Seattle Mariners, patent on technology that uses Italian plumbers to convert bricks into currency.
Closely Resembles: The ONE company in the world that possibly has your dream job of getting paid six figures to play video games and eat pork rinds.
Asking Santa for: Americans to acquire a taste for fried octopus dough-balls. More Thundersticks, too.
What to give: Offer your humility and most sincere gratitude, and like a quiet stream your reward shall be returned tenfold.

Arte Moreno, aka Montoyo Santana
Owns: Los Angeles/Chatsworth/Murietta Angels of Anaheim/Fullerton/Irvine, several third world countries.
Closely Resembles: Every character that James Edward Olmos has ever played. He's a silent bad-ass with tons of cash, and nobody in the family asks where he got it from. Uses "Real Estate" as a blanket term for his various clandestine pelt smuggling and arms manufacturing operations. It's part of a business model designed to keep beer prices low. Refuses to trade highly touted prospects because, "Once you're in, you're in for life." Will go Little Puppet on you in a second.
Asking Santa For: The Angels to be considered a multi-national corporate entity based out of an island in the Caymans. Another Tecate.
What to give: Your undying loyalty. You don't get a choice, by the way.

Happy Holidays from PHN to you. Yes you, personally.


Red said...

You are obsessed with Ghost Riding, Dave.

Best post ever, btw

Liz said...

This is the funniest thing to ever appear on this blog.

Dave H said...

Thanks, glad I wasn't the only person entertained by this.

Part II should be on the way in the near future.

Liz said...

I would buy George Steinbrenner a coffin. He's going to need it soon. Shit I just kharmically killed the Sox season next year didn't I? Sorry George!